When people ask what I’ve been up to this summer, I reply writing, reading, gardening, crafting. But that’s really just a nicety. What I really want to say is I’ve been trudging through hell and back. I’ve been trying to make it through the worst tragedy I’ve ever experienced. I’ve been deploying every coping mechanism in my arsenal. I have been thinking hard about what life is all about and what I should give and take from it. I’ve been having talks with close friends that get me out of my tangled head and give me perspective. I’ve been trying to figure out what this all means for my belief systems. I’ve been trying to navigate what my new self is like and feel a little more comfortable in her skin. I’ve been learning how much sorrow there is in the world and consciously practicing more compassion.
And I’ve been growing a baby. It’s been so incredibly scary, but we’ve realized all the more how ready we are to start a family. The last 21 weeks have been filled with moments of excitement, terror, heartbreak, and hope. In the end, we’re trying to stay positive and patient. We want to thank all of our good friends that have, and continue to, support us through this emotional time.
Each week I think I’ll be less scared, but it doesn’t change much. If this big bump on my belly wasn’t so obvious, I don’t think I’d tell people until the baby was here. I’ve said “if all goes well” about a million times already and I’m still worried that we’ll be blindsided by another obscure statistic. I’ve learned not to waste my breath explaining the feeling to those that say “This time everything’ll be fine.” because no one could understand the backlash of what we’ve been through without experiencing it themselves––and I hope they never have to. But what’s been cycling through my head the last several months has been “Love can be scary, but it’s always been worth it.” I’d rather live with a heart that’s full and get it broken than live a half life.
We’ll always miss Hope and have a very special spot in our hearts for her. No one could ever fill that space. She has taught us so much and has made us who we are now. And while our grieving is far from over, we’re ready to let a little light shine in on our souls.